284 - 292. Perth

When I told my work colleagues that I was going to be spending a few days in Perth two very different groups became apparent very quickly. The first group was the “I’ve never been to Western Australia” group and the second group was the “Perth is a great city” contingent. After my trip there I began to wonder what happened to the elusive third group – the “Perth is the most boring and pointless city on the planet” group. I don’t mean to upset the people who live there or those whom originate from the WA state capital but it really was a waste of 4 days. We should have gone to Alice Springs and seen Uluru or travelled to Darwin and seen Kakadu National Park.

Unfortunately, hind sight is always 20/20 (or 6/6 as it should be called these days!) and, without any reason not to, we boarded the Virgin Blue 284. Flight from Melbourne to Perth. The flight was long and dull and once again I was amazed at the extent of this massive country – flying for over 4 hours and still not leaving its shores.

As soon as I got off the plane my heckles went up and my instincts told me I wasn’t going to like this place. After checking in to our hostel and walking about the city for a couple of hours my gut feelings were confirmed.

My first impression of the place was that it was very small. There were hardly any buildings and the ones that were there all seemed under construction. The constant hammering and drilling became really quite annoying especially since the builders all started at about 5am and there was a construction site right outside our hostel. The skyline was uninspiring and with the exception of the ultra-modern Bell Tower it was completely unremarkable. The moderately attractive Swan River that runs through the city was underused and the whole esplanade was a 250 metre wide barren belt that seemingly had no purpose but the resultant effect was that waterfront buildings were a quarter kilometre away from the river.

Perhaps my viewpoint is skewed from my experiences of Sydney but the following is a few observations that I gathered on the first day and stuck with me during the remainder of our trip. Firstly, the town (because let’s face it, it’s not a proper city) is very seedy and the population has more than its fair share of what can only be called Rednecks. The seediness was rubbed in when a female junkie, clearly high, came up to me in the street and asked for $2. When I said no and walked on she started screaming “Please come home with me!” It could have been the easiest pull I’ve ever had but the sores on her face and her moustache as well as the stain-ridden velour red track suit put me off a little.

We also noticed that the fashions in Perth were quite backwards. Many of the kids were wearing clothes that people would have had second thoughts about in the 80’s and the hair styles were all mullets and big hair. I suppose being the most isolated city in the world they should be forgiven for being behind the times. There were lots of groups of thugs and gaggles of young girls and they all sported the most amount of acne I’ve ever seen. Also there wasn’t a Gaussian distribution of weight – just size 00 skinny or morbidly obese. Several Perth-folk (I’m not sure what they are called but famous people from Perth are known as “Perthinalities”) were clearly mutated from all the in-breeding and to say that the population was ugly was the understatement of the millennia.

Feeling quite down-heartened we went to the tourist info place and booked ourselves on the first trip out of town. This happened to be leaving the next morning and consisted of a ferry ride down the Swan and out to 285. Rottnest Island where we would pick up a couple of bikes and cycle the 27km round the island.

It took about 1 hour 45 minutes to get there from Perth and when we got off the boat I was surprised to see that there was almost no cars and a Beijing quantity of bicycles. There was a small resort-style village at the pier unnervingly called “The Settlement” which contained a couple of shops, bars and restaurants. It was also were the bike rental place was and we headed straight there. My Trek weighs about 8kg so I was a tad disappointed when the rental assistant wheeled over a ten-tonne rust coated penny-farthing. Isla’s was even worse but she didn’t seem to notice as she was too delighted with the fact hers had a big “fat bum seat” which was all she really wanted from her rental.

After picking up some water and sandwiches we headed out onto the road. It only took us about 2 and a half hours to complete the circuit including stops and the scenery was really quite pretty. There were several coves with white sandy beaches and turquoise waters and had we had more time it would have been great to stop at one of them for a quick plunge – especially since the sun was high in the clear sky providing a warm 25C.

The ferry back to Perth was at 4pm and we returned from the cycle by 3pm so we had time for a well deserved beverage in one of the pier-side bars. Rottnest got its name due to the Quokkas that live there. They essentially look live massive rats, hence “rats nest” and are protected so have become very brazen and can be found wandering around the bins and streets. We even saw one in the bar and when I told one of the nurses at work that I’d been to Rottnest she said, “Did you play Quokka-soccer?”

The ferry ride out of Perth had been quite dull with the exception of a few whale sightings but the way back was dramatically different. It was dusk for most of it and the Swan River looked beautiful. There were people wind-surfing in amongst the plethora of kite-boarders and with the sun setting behind them it looked very surreal. Also, remarkably close to the city, I saw a pod of dolphins playing in the murky water and they seemed oblivions to the kayaker who was floating in close proximity watching their antics.

When we left the terminal we noticed a group of large yellow and blue tents on the grassy esplanade and went to investigate. It turned out that 286. Cirque du Soleil were in town and we booked tickets for the following afternoon. The show was called Varekai and told the story of a young lad who had fallen out of the sky into a strange land full of mystical people and strange creatures who did their all to try to return him to where he came from – at least that’s what the blurb said.

I’d heard about how incredible the Cirque du Soleil team were but I was truly amazed as I watched them flip, spin, roll, tumble and juggle in captivating gravity-defying feats. The costumes were glorious and the stage set was an engineering wonder. The spectacle lasted just over 2 hours and just left us desperate for more but at $110 per ticket once would have to do.

Testament to the fact that there is nothing to do in Perth, the Rough Guide to Australia has only 8 pages dedicated to it from its 1256 leaves. If you compare that to Melbourne’s 50 pages and the 163 pages allocated to Sydney you’ll get some idea what I’m talking about. The only thing we could find to do was 287. The Perth Mint which thankfully didn’t disappoint. There was a brief chat about the Mint’s history followed by the story of the Western Australia gold rushes and if you believe the hype the original gold diggers didn’t even have to dig as there were massive nuggets of gold just lying all over the ground near Kalgoorlie some of them over 30kg in weight.

The second part of the tour consisted of watching some gold being smelted and turned into a gold bar. This was fantastic especially when the lights were turned down and the glowing liquid metal was lifted out of the kiln and poured into the mound. However, what made it more incredible was the delivery of the talk. The lad who was presenting immediately came across as a thespian and he had a dry wit that made everyone relax and enjoy the show while his commanding voice held everyone’s attention to the very end. There was a huge round of applause at the end and I think that it had more to do with his performance than the actual gold pouring demonstration.

After that there was the chance to try and lift a gold bar. It was so heavy that it felt like magnets with holding it to the plinth which it was sitting on and several of the younger tourists were unable to move it. A few of the elderly folk also struggled and I was waiting for the crunch and crack of splintering wrist bones but thankfully that never happened.

The final thing on the tour was the opportunity to see how much you would be worth if you were made of solid gold (or 99.5% which is the lowest purity allowed for trading on the market). There was a set of scales that told that Isla’s “weight in gold” was $1.8m and I was valued at a staggering $2.8 million. If ever there was a reason to eat more pies…

The next day was our final one in Perth and again we decided to get out of town again. Isla friend, Lauren, is a Perth-ite and she kindly picked us up and gave us a bit of a tour of the area. Our final destination would be Freemantle but we started with breakfast at 288. Cottesloe Beach. The Blue Duck restaurant was packed when we arrived but we still managed to get a table tantalisingly close to the veranda which looked out over the lovely beach and clear blue water. The food was decent if a little slow in arriving but the portions were massive and set us up for the rest of the day.

When we had finished brunch we took off again and drove through several other suburbs which I had no interest in so can’t even tell you their names but soon we were in 289. Freemantle. We’d heard lots of good things about Freemantle particularly the markets but after wandering around town we really couldn’t see what the fuss was about. I guess that if you live in a place like Perth then Freemantle would seem like a funky getaway destination in the way that St Kilda is to Melbourne but in a hopelessly inferior way.

One thing that we did enjoy was the 290. Little Creatures Brewery which seemed to be the most popular thing in Freo (as it’s known by the locals). The micro-brewery proper was behind glass screens which looked into a central open bar and restaurant area and outside were several solid wood tables and chairs as well as piles of palates to sit on. It was another warm day and we enjoyed some of their pale ales and ciders in the sunshine. Further exploration didn’t reveal anything else decent in Freo and soon we were on the train back up to Perth.

We were feeling quite hungry when we got back to the city but despite it being only 6pm everything was closed and we couldn’t find a restaurant for love nor money. Eventually a small but busy restaurant revealed itself to us and we settled in for 291. Korean Food. It was very similar to Chinese but with slightly different spices and presentation however I didn’t ask whether we were eating North or South Korean cuisine although I suspect is was the latter as I don’t think anyone has been allowed out of North Korea in years to spill the secrets of northern cooking.

A four hour 292. Flight to from Perth to Sydney and we were home and I can’t say that I was upset to leave Perth. It’s a shame that there is so much more to see in Western Australia but the vastness of the state and our miscalculation of staying in Perth meant we didn’t get a chance to see the rest of the west coast. With our time in Australia running out it seems unlikely that we’ll get to rectify this.